It's only now that I can even begin to think about writing down some of my thoughts. In the immediate days after 'the event', I think I was just a robot - devoid of emotion, numb. To think about my husband's death made my heart beat faster and I felt the onset of panic. I couldn't think of the future at all without this feeling flooding over me, so I consciously blocked it - telling myself over and over that I didn't have to think about that. I just concentrated on doing what had to be done - dealing with the funeral arrangements, the countless phone calls and visitors. My children and I just survived day by day. I was thankful for the support we had from our family, friends and local community and had to let others just assume some control over some of the essentials.
I could venture out with close family and friends for short periods, but home was a haven, a cave almost to which I could retreat - and while I couldn't concentrate to read anything, television was an escape. It helped to block out thoughts and neverending questions and analysis that hounded me. While that has abated somewhat, it still continues - could I have prevented it? What more could I have done? Did I increase his feelings of hopelessness? I'll never know the answers and this is relentless for those of us 'left behind' - the not knowing....even if our loved one did leave us a note, it still doesn't satisfy the unanswered questions.......
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