Suicide is Not Selfish

During the week, I read a post on facebook about a bystander who was travelling on a train when unfortunately a man took his own life. Why did he choose to end his life this way, affecting the train driver, the passengers, police, ambulance personnel, railway staff? Why did he not choose a more private venue to end his life? Why, in fact was he so selfish? Such were the facebook post musings - comments were many - 'poor you' they seemed to echo. The man who died almost forgotten, an afterthought in his own tragedy. For he was, after all, someone's son, perhaps a husband or father, almost certainly a relative and friend. The loss of someone through suicide is tragic but never selfish. How much choice is there, when their thoughts are so confused and made irrational by pain? I've seen that pain etched on the face of my late husband, witnessed his struggle daily as he tried to shake off the black dog which held him in its vice like grip. He felt there was no choice - it was to him a course of action which seemed logical, that we would, perhaps be somehow better off, even though those lof us eft behind faced a lifetime of guilt and pain. I'm sorry for the witnesses, especially the train driver when the bystanders left him alone with his grief. Who was selfish then? I feel sadness for the man who died, his family and friends who no doubt tried to keep him here, just as we did four years ago. I can only wonder as to why my husband walked the four hundred metres to our own local railway station and ended his life in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Perhaps his pain was so great, he just needed to leave quickly. It certainly was not a choice. How could it be, when he knew his adored son would walk in his footsteps each day to catch the train to school? How could it be, when his much loved daughter played soccer on the field next door? I write this because I made a commitment when Greg died that I would not give in to the stigma surrounding suicide. I would not let his death be talked about in hushed tones, but try to raise awareness about the complexities of suicide. I don't wish anyone to have to walk in my shoes to truly understand.