Little Steps

A couple of months have passed since my last post and we have been treading water, battling at times to keep our heads above, yet sometimes I can see beyond this year - just to be able to accept that we will get through is enough. My children battle their own demons and I wonder had the nightmare occurred when they were younger, would their understanding, acceptance and battles have been easier. Who knows?

For myself, my work is a slight distraction, but I could still give it up tomorrow. All I want to do at present is write. And so I do - and feel better for it. Does it make the demons go away? Does it help me make sense of it all? I'm just running on gut instinct and that seems to work.

This week I feel a slight change. Perhaps it could be due to a book I picked up during the week - 'When The Rains' by Maggie Mackellar who endured not only the suicide of her husband, but within two years, also the death of her mother. Reading this book I realised some common threads linking our experiences, feelings and thoughts and the book helped. So, many thanks Maggie!

I have also been frustrated with the media and the ongoing 'blackout' with regard to open discussion about suicide. The Sydney Morning Herald this week has published an opinion article 'It's time to confront the deadliest demon...' which prompted some letters to the editor - hurray! Some discussion at last. Luckily, I had one published this morning..... 'No hysteria in preventing suicide'. Hope the discussion keeps going.

Sharon

Create your own free digital scrapbooking design

Treading water

The above describes the way I am currently coping most days, although I do think I am slowly moving forward as well. Grief is certainly a strange beast. I feel as though there is a weight upon me and my feelings are still quite numb. I hope in time both will pass. I only work two days per week, yet I don't seem to have the time or energy to get all my tasks done. It's as if I am also in slow motion - time passes but I appear to achieve little.
So, I aim for a couple of 'jobs' each day and feel satisfied with that. In the past I was able to cope with so much more, but my head feels 'full' already. I think this is probably 'normal' and no longer beat myself up about it. I have heard there is a 'National Solace Grief Conference' in Sydney on October 8th & 9th which may be helpful - the preliminary program looks good so far. See: http://www.solace.org.au/

Five months on.....

It's only now that I can even begin to think about writing down some of my thoughts. In the immediate days after 'the event', I think I was just a robot - devoid of emotion, numb. To think about my husband's death made my heart beat faster and I felt the onset of panic. I couldn't think of the future at all without this feeling flooding over me, so I consciously blocked it - telling myself over and over that I didn't have to think about that. I just concentrated on doing what had to be done - dealing with the funeral arrangements, the countless phone calls and visitors. My children and I just survived day by day. I was thankful for the support we had from our family, friends and local community and had to let others just assume some control over some of the essentials.

I could venture out with close family and friends for short periods, but home was a haven, a cave almost to which I could retreat - and while I couldn't concentrate to read anything, television was an escape. It helped to block out thoughts and neverending questions and analysis that hounded me. While that has abated somewhat, it still continues - could I have prevented it? What more could I have done? Did I increase his feelings of hopelessness? I'll never know the answers and this is relentless for those of us 'left behind' - the not knowing....even if our loved one did leave us a note, it still doesn't satisfy the unanswered questions.......

And then there were three......

We were once a family of four....husband, wife and two kids but on February 21 2010 this was forever changed when my husband of 17 years took his own life after a losing battle with bi polar II disorder.

In dealing with our grief over the last few months, as a librarian, I naturally visited the public library searching for a book that would help explain what I was feeling and the thoughts which were constantly invading my headspace. Although I had experienced grief with the death of my father in 2001, there was a profound difference this time. My feelings of detachment from others, an inability to actually verbalise the details of his death, the difficulty of seeing myself in the future - alone and of course, how I was going to raise my children to healthy, happy adulthood were constant thoughts.

I found nothing published. Well, not what I was looking for anyway, which was and still is....the experiences of others, who like me, have been left behind. The brochures on grief - and those which related to suicide grief from Lifeline were helpful, but I what I wanted and needed to read is how others in my situation have coped. Did they experience the same feelings as me? Did everything seem so surreal? Were they able to function and appear normal when inside you had trouble controlling your thoughts?

I like to write short stories and toyed with the idea of developing such a book, even contacting the Black Dog Institute for some advice.

One of their suggestions was to write something online, so I chose a blog. This will hopefully enable others to tell their stories, providing the blog is read!

I'm still working through much of what's happened and in future posts I'll talk about some of the issues which have stood out or which I am still coming to tems with.

I was told of a book by renowned Professor of Psychiatry and researcher of suicide prevention - Diego De Leo entitled 'Turning Points' (2010 Australian Academic Press, QLD) which not only tell the stories of suicide attempters, but three stories are by those left behind. I commend it to you.

There are some useful links listed opposite. On the 'Support after Suicide' site, you can read some other stories by those left behind. Read them here: http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/other-peoples-stories/


So, until next post I hope to hear from others 'left behind'......

Sharon