It's only now that I can even begin to think about writing down some of my thoughts. In the immediate days after 'the event', I think I was just a robot - devoid of emotion, numb. To think about my husband's death made my heart beat faster and I felt the onset of panic. I couldn't think of the future at all without this feeling flooding over me, so I consciously blocked it - telling myself over and over that I didn't have to think about that. I just concentrated on doing what had to be done - dealing with the funeral arrangements, the countless phone calls and visitors. My children and I just survived day by day. I was thankful for the support we had from our family, friends and local community and had to let others just assume some control over some of the essentials.
I could venture out with close family and friends for short periods, but home was a haven, a cave almost to which I could retreat - and while I couldn't concentrate to read anything, television was an escape. It helped to block out thoughts and neverending questions and analysis that hounded me. While that has abated somewhat, it still continues - could I have prevented it? What more could I have done? Did I increase his feelings of hopelessness? I'll never know the answers and this is relentless for those of us 'left behind' - the not knowing....even if our loved one did leave us a note, it still doesn't satisfy the unanswered questions.......
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
And then there were three......
We were once a family of four....husband, wife and two kids but on February 21 2010 this was forever changed when my husband of 17 years took his own life after a losing battle with bi polar II disorder.
In dealing with our grief over the last few months, as a librarian, I naturally visited the public library searching for a book that would help explain what I was feeling and the thoughts which were constantly invading my headspace. Although I had experienced grief with the death of my father in 2001, there was a profound difference this time. My feelings of detachment from others, an inability to actually verbalise the details of his death, the difficulty of seeing myself in the future - alone and of course, how I was going to raise my children to healthy, happy adulthood were constant thoughts.
I found nothing published. Well, not what I was looking for anyway, which was and still is....the experiences of others, who like me, have been left behind. The brochures on grief - and those which related to suicide grief from Lifeline were helpful, but I what I wanted and needed to read is how others in my situation have coped. Did they experience the same feelings as me? Did everything seem so surreal? Were they able to function and appear normal when inside you had trouble controlling your thoughts?
I like to write short stories and toyed with the idea of developing such a book, even contacting the Black Dog Institute for some advice.
One of their suggestions was to write something online, so I chose a blog. This will hopefully enable others to tell their stories, providing the blog is read!
I'm still working through much of what's happened and in future posts I'll talk about some of the issues which have stood out or which I am still coming to tems with.
I was told of a book by renowned Professor of Psychiatry and researcher of suicide prevention - Diego De Leo entitled 'Turning Points' (2010 Australian Academic Press, QLD) which not only tell the stories of suicide attempters, but three stories are by those left behind. I commend it to you.
There are some useful links listed opposite. On the 'Support after Suicide' site, you can read some other stories by those left behind. Read them here: http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/other-peoples-stories/
So, until next post I hope to hear from others 'left behind'......
Sharon
In dealing with our grief over the last few months, as a librarian, I naturally visited the public library searching for a book that would help explain what I was feeling and the thoughts which were constantly invading my headspace. Although I had experienced grief with the death of my father in 2001, there was a profound difference this time. My feelings of detachment from others, an inability to actually verbalise the details of his death, the difficulty of seeing myself in the future - alone and of course, how I was going to raise my children to healthy, happy adulthood were constant thoughts.
I found nothing published. Well, not what I was looking for anyway, which was and still is....the experiences of others, who like me, have been left behind. The brochures on grief - and those which related to suicide grief from Lifeline were helpful, but I what I wanted and needed to read is how others in my situation have coped. Did they experience the same feelings as me? Did everything seem so surreal? Were they able to function and appear normal when inside you had trouble controlling your thoughts?
I like to write short stories and toyed with the idea of developing such a book, even contacting the Black Dog Institute for some advice.
One of their suggestions was to write something online, so I chose a blog. This will hopefully enable others to tell their stories, providing the blog is read!
I'm still working through much of what's happened and in future posts I'll talk about some of the issues which have stood out or which I am still coming to tems with.
I was told of a book by renowned Professor of Psychiatry and researcher of suicide prevention - Diego De Leo entitled 'Turning Points' (2010 Australian Academic Press, QLD) which not only tell the stories of suicide attempters, but three stories are by those left behind. I commend it to you.
There are some useful links listed opposite. On the 'Support after Suicide' site, you can read some other stories by those left behind. Read them here: http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/other-peoples-stories/
So, until next post I hope to hear from others 'left behind'......
Sharon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)